Living With Mr. C

I am at a complete loss.  I don’t know if I should cry, celebrate or narcotize.

We just left the oncologists office with an agenda that is entirely happy and extremely sad at the same time.  Let me try and explain.

In the beginning, when the cancer cells were discovered and the biopsy results came in (during October), our fear was that these aggressive cells had metastasized outside of the breast and lymph system.  Then the CT scan showed some nodes on Jody’s lungs that looked suspicious.  Before proceeding we’d need a biopsy.   Now we know that there were metastases on her lungs.

If the cells had “not” spread in her system then we would have proceeded with the precautionary step of blasting her body with chemotherapy followed by radiation.

The expected result of this process was a pretty certain eradication of breast cancer cells in her body.  Sometime late in 2012 we perhaps would have had a “cancer free” party to celebrate.  Now, not so much and this is the sad part of the equation.

Jody at the present time has metastatic cancer cells located in her lungs.  The possibility is that they will choose to roam around her body sometime in the future.  Treatment is now considered palliative and therefore not curing.  So while that is the sad part here is the happy part, no chemotherapy.  No certain hair loss.  No chemotherapy fog.  No harsh side effects but there could be some minor ones; nothing like the side effects of chemo.

Now it will be up to the hormone treatment, good diet and consistent exercise to dictate the length and quality of our years to come.  Isn’t this true for everyone? These particular cancer cells thrive on estrogen.  The idea, as I understand it, is to limit the amount of estrogen so that these cells shrink and are less destructive.  The treatment (filling a prescription and taking pills) starts today.  Six weeks from now there will be more tests to see if the cells are growing or shrinking; there may also be radiation treatment.

Being positive will be the key to moving forward.  So the next time you see Jody know that the focus is on living well.  Understand that the answer to “how are you doing?” is great!  Physically all is good.  It is time to get back to a normal healthy routine filled with yoga (and her many yoga buddies) as well as putting Mr. C into a backroom until such time as he makes another reckless appearance.  Time to talk with friends and family about their lives, our lives and plans for the future.

In short we will proceed on normal with an extra dose of doing things now, rather than later. 

My adventure in blogging has come to an end, for now.  Thank you to all those family, friends and members of the street that gave me words of encouragement and support.  Writing this has been a true labor of love.  It was cathartic to share elements of our past and present life and reflect on how fragile and beautiful life is.

No one knows the future time or date that we leave this world.  So we will live and love deeply.  Maybe it’s also time for me to get started on the next “great Canadian novel”?  Stranger things have happened…

An old but true saying seems to be the best way to end this blog.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Childhood's End ( in Okinawa )

On the island of Okinawa you are considered to be a child until you turn 55.  I turned 55 this year.  This little tidbit of information came from some “60 Minutes” episode I saw in my 40’s.   At that time it seemed like an absurd notion, now not so much.

I am writing this late December the 12^th but not posting today.  I’ll put this together after our oncology meeting on December 14^th.

The biopsy took place today and everything went without a hitch, from a procedural point of view.  From a preliminary results point of view, just one more kick in the stomach.

Before I get to these details let me share our perspective.

Feeling positive and upbeat during this time is the equivalent of building a beautiful home on the San Andréa’s fault.  The solid foundation of hope adorned with the optimism of the expert’s opinion is all decorated inside with the latest support of family and friends; a true mansion for all to love and admire.  You get very comfy fast in a place like this.  You forget this isn’t built on solid ground.

And so it was we started this day full of hope.  In fact this is a very significant date in our history.  Thirty years ago to the day  (it was a Saturday in 1981) we went with a bunch of friends up Grouse Mountain (just north of Vancouver) to cut Christmas trees.  Jody was 22 years old I was 24.  Our mode of transport was a HUGE Ford Bronco with enormous wheels jacked up so high you needed help to climb in.  Our friend Alf new the back roads and thought this would make a great activity and of course, the trees were free.

So why was this a significant date?  Jody was a little over 9 months pregnant and so was Alf’s wife Tina.  The snow was waist deep, the roads near the top were nonexistent and once you stepped out of the vehicle every step was a struggle. 

Looking back this may not have been the best idea but the four of us, plus several other friends in another 4 X 4, had never laughed so much in our lives.  When we went back to set up the tree at a friends house in North Vancouver Jody said she wasn’t feeling all that great.  She was feeling the first part of labour pains.  The next morning her water broke and on December 14 Matthew was born.  Happy 30^th Matt!

Jody and I reminisced about those days as we drove into Toronto East General.  It is incredible to look back at our youth, carefree and filled with great expectations.  Now by Okinawa standards I am at childhoods end. 

Surgeon’s Faces

During the biopsy process that lasted about 2 hours (with recovery time) I left the hospital to run some errands.  The plan was to meet up with Aunty Brenda and Mitch around 2 pm as Jody was coming out of the anesthetic.  Finding parking was hellish so I arrived about 10 minutes after Brenda and Mitch.  The news from the volunteer was that all had gone well and she had even heard Jody laughing.  Some things never change.

The surgeon Dr. N.S. stopped by for a quick hello and a very perfunctory visit.  He seemed a lot more engaged and concerned than the first time we had met, that was comforting.  Jody was eventually rolled out from the recovery area to a hospital room for observation.  She was alert and upbeat, so were we.

About an hour or more after the surgery I stepped out of the room while a nurse gave Jody her clothes and checked her vital signs before her discharge.  It was then that I saw Dr. N.S waving for me to join him.  This was the second time that I looked at a surgeon’s face and new he had bad news.

I was devastated.  This was no kick in the stomach.  It was not supposed to be this result.  Every expert we spoke to said these cells would not be positive for cancer.  I cannot describe the emotion of telling Jody.  It had to be done.  It was better that she was lying down and I have never been very good at lying to Jody.  She would know something was wrong.

Now it is Dec. 13, this past night was the worst sleep I have had throughout this ordeal.  Jody’s pain from the surgery was noticeable and she struggled to make it subside.  Thank God for pain pills.  And stupid me was concerned that she was taking too many pills.

Reminder to Peter you are on the outside looking in.

Here is this beautiful girl of my dreams staving off the pain in her nurse like methodical fashion, two pills to start and one pill every 45 minutes until she got ahead of it.  And I am worried about addiction and my own ridiculous insecurities.  Second note to Peter, shut up.  It’s her pain and her emotions first.

Today Dr. N.S. office called to say they should have prescribed more pain pills because he forgot that he could not prescribe his usual morphine due to her allergy.

Now I really feel ridiculous.  Oh and they also mentioned that they had to do a lot of manipulation because the cell area was so small.

Well on we go to our oncology appointment.  More news to come.

Just Waiting Around

This is a very strange process dealing with breast cancer.  Oddly, I understand it on a logical level but emotionally it is an over stretched elastic band.  Or as Jody described it this morning, a club sandwich of varying textures of fecal matter.  For all who know her, she did not use those words but I am sure you get it.

We are not catching the EBUS.  As explained by Dr. N.S. the area to be biopsied is very, very, small.  Using the EBUS technique might work but if it didn’t (or was inconclusive) then we would be back to the bronchoscopy anyway.

The bronchoscopy will be day surgery but skin will be cut all the same (no scalpels on the EBUS). 

For all of you keeping score at home, the diagnosis was September 2, surgery September 26 and today is December 4.  Perhaps I am a bit naïve on the process but it seems that eleven weeks is too long before starting chemotherapy.  

Okay here are the near future relevant dates.  Dec. 6 is a preoperative meeting at Toronto East General followed by the scheduled bronchoscopy Dec. 12.  I say scheduled because we have been warned that when you are near the end of the day if the surgeries in front of you take a little longer; it is possible we could get bumped.  Nice, more delay.

Here is the logical part; if there are cancer cells on the lungs then an entirely different process of “therapy” is needed.  Jody has no patience for this logical story.

Every day she is imagining all hell breaking loose inside her because the chemical cocktails of destruction are still in a beaker somewhere instead of in her veins.  While it has been explained, okay we need to do things in order and know for certain what we are dealing with; again the logic.  That does not take care of the emotional angst that has become a daily backdrop to our reality.

Distractions do help.  Like discovering a charming initiative started by a lovely creative lady.  It is called simply, F**K Cancer. (I have chosen to use asterisks but you get the picture)  A very nice piece of jewelry arrived at our door the other day sent to Jody by a member of “the street”.  What is “the street”?

The Street

 Around 1960 six families bought house lots in a maple sugar bush in the town of Rosemere about 20 minutes north of Montreal.  They were all interconnected in some way but that isn’t the story.  These families had a kind of Brigadoon existence as their children grew up.  I don't mean they appeared every one hundred years in the Scottish mist singing and dancing near a carousel.  Instead the children of the street had a rather unique upbringing. Somewhat like an isolated band of urban warriors. I use the term warriors because I personally witnessed the creation of many potato cannons by said members.  Don't know what a potato cannon is, look it up.  Even now in their late 40's early 50's all have gone off in different directions but the bond is unbreakable.

Since Jody's diagnosis EVERY member of the street has been in contact with her.  These are family members without the usual biological linkage, but I digress...

It is best described as a sibling link.  Imagine playing kick the can games that included parents from time to time.  Or perhaps everyone learning and playing the recorder together.  The stories of the street even included a mythical baseball team, "The Rosemere Skunks", that had practices start at 5:30 am.  The day we were married, very early in the morning, one by one the children of the street showed up at Jody's place.

It is very hard to really capture the essence of the early days of Montcalm Street but I have been a proud member for over 32 years.  I was accepted into this clan and accept that everyone of them, their spouses and children are welcome in my house at ANY time.  Don't knock just walk in.  Oh and go ahead look in the fridge if you must...

So my apologies for not posting sooner.  As you can see we have very little news.  As it stands we don't expect to have any more details until after Dec. 14th which is the next scheduled meeting with our oncologist.  That date, 30 years ago, was when our oldest son was born.  Surely that is a date for good news.